Goodbye My Love
by xxocluvurxx
Summary: Ryan's final goodbye to the girl next door Marissa Cooper. He writes her a letter telling her all the things he couldn't say to her in person. Reviews are greatly appreciated.


_Marissa, _

_This letter is supposed to say everything that I could never say to you. I mean let's face it words were never really my strong suit . You will just have to bear with me. It's not like you're going to ever read this letter so I don't really know why I'm writing it. I guess to just get everything off my chest. I can't believe you're gone out of my life forever and I never even got to say goodbye. I guess this letter is my final goodbye to you. It sounds crazy but I still expect you to walk through the doors of the poolhouse and tell me it was all a big fucking joke. But it's not a joke because you're really fucking dead. Kevin Volcheck will pay dearly for what he did to you. Revenge is the only way I can handle this, I know what you would say if you were here, you'd say "Ryan don't he's not worth it." Well you're not here and he may not be worth it but you sure in the hell are. I still feel like I am responsible for some of it. If I wouldn't have broken up with you then you would have never hooked up with the guy and you would still be with me. That is one thing I will regret for the rest of my life. When we were together you made me the happiest guy on the planet. I always thought (even when we were dating) that eventually you and I would realize that we should be together and get married and have a bunch of kids that looked just like you. I knew from the moment I saw you that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you but things kept getting in the way. You were the most breathtaking person I had ever seen. Nobody has ever compared to you and nobody ever will. Everyone says you don't forget your first love and you were mine and I will never forget you. Tommorrow is your funeral and I really don't want to go. It will just make everything all too real. I don't want it to be real I want you to be here and tell me how lame it is that I'm writing you a goodbye letter. It's almost four o'clock in the morning but I can't sleep. I haven't slept more than thirty minutes at a time since the accident. When I do sleep I have nightmares about you and in the end they're always the same you're leaving me one way or another and I wake up with tears in my eyes and sweat pouring. When I close my eyes I see your beautiful face and you're always crying tears that I caused. Summer has been calling every night we don't talk I just listen to her cry until she falls asleep then I hang up. She's definately not taking it well I don't think she's left her house more than once to come over here. I don't think she's been sleeping well either because when she came over she had dark circles under her eyes. We will stick together through this it's going to be hard but I think we'll live. I promise you I will always take care of her because I know that's what you'd want. I haven't left my fortress of solitude either. The Cohen's have used every technique in the book to try to get me out. They even said there was a fire but I figured I'd take my chances with the fire. I just can't talk to them about this. It's too hard to talk to this about anyone. I am so sorry for everything I have done and said to you over the years. I didn't believe you about Trey pulled away from you after the shooting. God I never even fucking thanked you for saving my life. I truly am a fucking jerk. I wasn't there when you lost Johnny I was too busy with Sadie to even care about what you were going through. I left at the end of the first summer when everything was going great with us and you were dealing with your mom's marriage to Caleb and having to move in there and I wasn't even there to help you cope. And when you drank I always yelled at you saying you were just like my mom and never got down to the root of the problem. I never once asked you what was bothering you I just wanted to yell at you. I am so sincerely sorry that I was never there for you when you needed me the most. I will never regret a moment I spent with you though. Even with all the problems these have been the best three years of my life. Despite all the heartbreak and the pain that I am feeling now I still wouldn't give it up. Because I got the chance to know the most amazing girl in the world. You were the most amazing girl I had ever met even though you were broken. I guess that you were just too broken to survive. You're body wasn't strong enough to live on anymore. I will never forgive myself for all the pain I have caused you. I broke you and I am so sorry. I think this is the most I have ever said to anyone in my entire life. As Caleb said, "I didn't know you could string so many words together." I guess once I started writing all of it came pouring out. I miss you already Marissa. You were not only the love of my life but you were also my best friend. I guess the point of this letter is that, Marissa Cooper I love you more than anything in this whole entire world. I hope that you are happier wherever you are. I wish you could be happy right here with me but we can't turn back time. Well, I really must go now my hand is killing me and I'm kind of hungry. I haven't really ate much since the accident. I can hear someone snoring outside my door. The Cohen's have been sleeping in shifts so that one of them will be awake if I need anything. I think it's Seth's shift and I don't think he's doing a very good job of keeping watch. Maybe I can sneak by him and grab a bowl of cereal. I wish you would be in there and we could meet up in the kitchen like when you were staying with us. This time I wouldn't hesitate to kiss you and hold you no matter the interuptions. Just know that I have never stopped loving you and I never will. You are my everything my angel and I will always love you until the day that I die. I will see you again someday I just have to make myself believe that. Goodbye my love. _

_Ryan Atwood _

_P.S. Sorry about the smears I couldn't stop crying. _

_P.S.S I love you with all of my heart! _


End file.
